I never realized how much I have missed writing until today. A pass time I used to love so much has been preoccupied by so many other things. Sometimes I am too busy to really remember that I love writing and that a part of me has always been better expressed by writing it out. There are few things or people that make me feel as safe as words. I guess I have been afraid to write because in my heart I know that I have never been a great writer and I always feel the need to delete what I write because I feel that somehow what I say sounds wrong or probably stupid. But writing makes me express how I feel, and sometimes it is really to just think to myself how I feel. In a busy life like my own, it is hard to sometimes remember what it is you are feeling when you have so many things going on at once that you have to focus on everything else to where your own feelings about everything get droned in the background.

So who have I become? I don't really know the answer to that. I feel like a piece of marble, in which I always have to hold fast but I never change. I might have my rough edges rounded and I may have a lot of cracks from trying so hard to be strong... but have I changed? I guess I shouldn't think too hard about it. Over the last two years due to my family owning a restaurant, helping in taking care of my sister with severe autism, I haven't really had much outside interaction. So as I watch my friends get older and get married, I start to wonder if my unchanging personality will exclude me from such life.

Perhaps my isolation leads me to be more negative than others. Having a sister with Severe austism requires so much of a person. From waking up at 3am one morning because your sister with autism wants pepsi and wants to beat you up if you say no, to having her physically want to drag you out of the door all the time. But, as hard as this is, this is not something I would change about myself. I love my family and my sister gives my life meaning. But at the same time it also means that any one I love will probably never marry me. Sometimes I wonder why I  try so hard. In the end it will just be me with a broken heart. The one I care for will leave me for someone who will dedicate themselves to him instead of her own family.  But how could I ever live with myself for abandoning my sister. I could live my whole life lonely knowing that I did the right thing in taking care of my sister. But I could never live a day knowing that I replaced my own selfish wants for my sister. Is there a medium ground? Sure, but who would want to be with a girl who come with a sister with severe autism. Who would ever love my sister the way I love her? Let alone understand when you want to take care of her and how you want her to be a significant part of your life even after you marry. When you are with someone  they always say they will. Who could I ever count on to be as strong as i am ?