I never realized how much I have missed writing until today. A pass time I used to love so much has been preoccupied by so many other things. Sometimes I am too busy to really remember that I love writing and that a part of me has always been better expressed by writing it out. There are few things or people that make me feel as safe as words. I guess I have been afraid to write because in my heart I know that I have never been a great writer and I always feel the need to delete what I write because I feel that somehow what I say sounds wrong or probably stupid. But writing makes me express how I feel, and sometimes it is really to just think to myself how I feel. In a busy life like my own, it is hard to sometimes remember what it is you are feeling when you have so many things going on at once that you have to focus on everything else to where your own feelings about everything get droned in the background.

So who have I become? I don't really know the answer to that. I feel like a piece of marble, in which I always have to hold fast but I never change. I might have my rough edges rounded and I may have a lot of cracks from trying so hard to be strong... but have I changed? I guess I shouldn't think too hard about it. Over the last two years due to my family owning a restaurant, helping in taking care of my sister with severe autism, I haven't really had much outside interaction. So as I watch my friends get older and get married, I start to wonder if my unchanging personality will exclude me from such life.

Perhaps my isolation leads me to be more negative than others. Having a sister with Severe austism requires so much of a person. From waking up at 3am one morning because your sister with autism wants pepsi and wants to beat you up if you say no, to having her physically want to drag you out of the door all the time. But, as hard as this is, this is not something I would change about myself. I love my family and my sister gives my life meaning. But at the same time it also means that any one I love will probably never marry me. Sometimes I wonder why I  try so hard. In the end it will just be me with a broken heart. The one I care for will leave me for someone who will dedicate themselves to him instead of her own family.  But how could I ever live with myself for abandoning my sister. I could live my whole life lonely knowing that I did the right thing in taking care of my sister. But I could never live a day knowing that I replaced my own selfish wants for my sister. Is there a medium ground? Sure, but who would want to be with a girl who come with a sister with severe autism. Who would ever love my sister the way I love her? Let alone understand when you want to take care of her and how you want her to be a significant part of your life even after you marry. When you are with someone  they always say they will. Who could I ever count on to be as strong as i am ? 

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Something I wrote for Facebook a while ago.

I though I would put this on as I am to tired tonight to put up more.

Just a note before reading this. Just note that I view my sister to be the MOST influential person in my life. This work is not finished and I have a lot more I want to put in. I guess what I really want is to share some of the experiences I have had, and even more... to externalize my words so that I can always view my thoughts of yesterday tomorrow. I am very lucky to have Scarlet in my life, even though it has been tough, I am so glad to have lived the life I have. This work is unfinished. I have yet to add more. I reflect best when I am behind a computer and typing what I feel. Vocal words always betray me, so I must hope that written words will not. 

Many people would like to say that autism is a world, its own separate world in which those affected by it are in their own world and do not see the world as we do. And for some, this may be true, but to me, as a sister to someone with Autism, I believe that autism is not a separate world, but the same world seen differently. 

To my sister at least, Autism is having the body of an 11 year old and the mindset of an 6 year old and the vocabulary use of a 3 year old. It means, that she knows what she wants, but has not the means to achieve it... which really means... pulling me out of my bed, down the stairs, and to the car, whether or not I have shoes on, and I quite doubt she would care if I had clothes on whenever she wants to go to Macdonald's. It also means telling her 'no' will become world war 3 in which you may be under attack from an 11 year old who really wants her nuggets, fries and a pack of cookies. 

How she learned it, is beyond me, but it was about 3 years ago when my family realized that my sister had somehow inherited perfect fighting skills and knew how to throw perfect painful punches as well as kicks, bites and how to pull your hair and to not let go. Now add this with an 11 year old girl who has decided that the world will end without cookies... chances are... you will have realized that this adds to an atomic bomb being set off at my house... and then if you do the math... you officially get my family. 

Scarlet is her name, and she was diagnosed with Severe autism. Now when most people think of kids with Autism, they assume that it is a kid that sits in a corner all day and rocks back and forth... and yes... my sister does rock back, as evidenced in all of the couches she has broken in our house, and the way our car rocks back and forth as we drive or sit idle in the car as people look at our car and wonder if we have pimped out our car to rock back in forth in the fashion we do. Our couches have been so abused by the 11 year old that I literally had to tear the back open of two of our couches and put in more screws... Our couches, which had been new 2 years ago, are the equivalent of 11 year old couches that have had bats taken to the back support frame. Think of Tekken but to the back of a couch. If you don't believe me I am willing to take pictures of the inner back frames of our couches....

So if there is one thing I have learned in life... NOTHING is Scarlet Proof... you cannot buy any kind of warranty to protect from Scarlet damage... and although I think this should be covered under Hurricane damage, our insurance, and the insurance on the couches didn't cover the damages to the couches, cars, to us...... to our dog... which she has bitten several hundreds of times....

Now... to understand this... you have to understand the death look that my 11 year old sister has learned... now imagine your most sinister super villian... and imagine years of practice, and imagine the fear that impales your body when you realize that she is going to charge you with her teeth bare and fingers poised in a way you would expect a harpie to come at you.... all because she wants a new shirt after having just have changed her shirt 5 minutes ago... The shirt is completely clean.... and... somehow, even though she picked out the shirt herself after a couple of punches and biting of herself and others... she wants another one. Now, we have never watched the incredible hulk at our house, but somehow, this gene must be recessively passed amount all humans because if Scarlet realizes that she really does not want a shirt, she will cast doom on the shirt and after a certain period of time, will carry out the doom sentence and rip the shirt in such a way I find new ways to be surprised that a shirt can be ripped in so many different directions that would make Lady Gaga look in awe at my sister and name a new clothing line in her honor called Le Hulk. 

......More to come.... 
* the execution of Barbie
* Macdonald's owns my soul
* Dog al la carte
* The Hurricane that came to visit